Uninhibited, I am someone who speaks what I want and need. In these dark hills, I walk away from greed.
Unaffected, I am the one who keeps trying, because I’m not fond of life dying.
Unreal, I reach towards the stars, knowing that my fingertips reach far.
And understanding, to know that I know exactly where I’m landing.
In this world of terror and worry, I won’t allow it to steal my flurry of love and truth, honestly something I hold so dearly to my heart.
I want to be who I am, and I will be. Because the only person I can be is me.
As I cherish these things that I have, I feel for others who don’t. I wish there was a way that I could give to them, but I can’t. Because of these circumstances I found myself bound by happenstance.
I don’t want this blog to be entirely dedicated to me, I want to speak of others as well. I wish to be a humanitarian in every sense, because of the way these people fell. And because of the ache in my heart I feel when I see these things, their truths I will tell.
I know this may seem random, but I have thought of this for years. Though I stopped myself because of my own fear. The fear of being judged, but now that disappears. Because these people cry real tears.
Hopefully charity in the making, I certainly am not faking the sorrow I feel when I see another soul suffer. It’s something I wish to never see upon another.
So as I speak these things on my mind and rhyme these rhymes, I will hopefully come to the time where with these words, I can make a difference. Truly.
In desolate places and derelict spaces, I see the faces of the future. Those that deserve to have their voices heard.
As I look around myself I find it hard to find what I should see: the reality of those around me. Yet I cannot, because it is covered up; something I will never truly understand.
Aches and pains and trickling rain. Although I ache for the future, I also ache for the sameness that comes about upon every nook and cranny of every alley. People of the world deserve to have their voices heard, not dismissed as they have been.
Magazines draw me in and despite my knowledge of lies in the media, I choose what I believe. I believe in the day when we can sit side by side and stay together as one. That we could have fun.
Reading these issues of the world, I wish I could help, but I find myself helpless in a situation where I have not experienced what others have. I don’t understand the discrimination, and perhaps I never can. It’s not within my hands.
Still, even as a girl with porcelain skin and green eyes, I will devise what plans I can to help those who need it. It’s not as simple as speaking about it; I want to do something.
But still I find myself within this room, attached to my sickness, attached to my lack of knowledge of the outside world.
Maybe someday, though, I’ll find a way to change the world.
Holy love. To cherish it is to bring these words nigh. To understand it is to know these things from high above the tree tops, into the heavens above.
For you are not who you believe to be. You are so much more. Filled with a value you have never seen before. Bring with you this hollow shore, for it shall surely bring you more than ever before.
Loving you is something simple, something true. Something only your real friends are will to do. In the evenings of doubt and the nights of sadness, remember that if you were to give up it only cause madness.
For I often ask myself why. Why did this person die? Even if not in the flesh, but within the mind. Something that isn’t easily understood among our kind.
So reach out your hand and allow yourself to see. These things that I say shall surely be. In these doubts and sorrows, there will always be another tomorrow.
As my mother always told me before, “that’s what tomorrows are for”.
Some things are complicated while others take no time to understand. I would like to monetize this blog sometime, and hopefully soon. But I wonder if anyone would come. I’ve found that the greatest asset I have on my hands is my honesty/transparency. I am very easy to read by those who know me, and I’m not always fond of this. But I’m a Taurus, I’m the bull by nature. Sometimes when others read me like an open book, they really are only reading that top layer. I have many layers to my being, state, soul, and personality. Yet people think they know me so well. This makes me smile.
So, I write here, trying my best to be honest and transparent all while it’s incredibly difficult to let anybody see past that top layer. I see it almost as the sedimentary rock in the earth. The sign of the Bull is an earth sign, strong and steady. I find myself fitting the Taurus personality beyond what I ever thought was possible. People rely on me. They tell me I am steady and immovable. But it seems that they miss the core.
I don’t blame them. I hide my core like the most precious metal there ever was. To be honest, I don’t think anyone in my life has ever seen that core. I often find myself wondering if it’s possible to see the core of a person, even within close and intimate relationships. It is it really possible to see everything a person is if they open up to you? Or is there still a small part of them that remains invisible to the eyes of anyone but them?
I don’t know. What I do know is that I love to ponder these things everyday. It’s these things that lead me to write fictional stories, exploring humanity and who we really are.
I fully intend to be an author someday soon; a published author. I have countless papers littering my room filled with story ideas and the same fills the Scrivener files of my desktop computer. I love to explore humanity and its darkness, along with its light.
I suppose there is always going to be more to discover in this world. Never will we reach the end of knowledge.
As someone who loves to learn, that makes me very happy.
I’m a writer. Obviously. I love to write. But sometimes when I write – like I’m writing poetry or song lyrics – the first sentence that comes to my mind more often than not is this: I don’t understand. Maybe it’s because of writer’s block, or maybe it’s because I genuinely don’t understand this world most of the time. I do not understand the human desire to hurt one another. In fact, I don’t understand cruelty at all. It’s a foreign concept.
Another thing I don’t understand is the way some people live. I’m a very straightforward and practical person; if I don’t have money to buy something then I don’t need that thing. Yet people around me buy the latest technology and then complain about being ‘poor’. It’s something that irritates me because I have seen the ugly side of poverty right now. Right now, my family and I don’t have a car, and even if we did, we can’t drive because my mom is too sick and I don’t have a license or the money to even consider one. All of the toilets in our house don’t work properly and I’ve gotten accustomed to the way our ancient washing machine sounds like an airplane taking off when we do laundry…but I’m happy. I’m happy writing songs and poems and this blog and crocheting blankets and other things for charity. I’m happy with my two cats who give me all the love in the world. I don’t have an iPhone. I never have. I can’t imagine using internet outside of my house!
Despite not being able to understand it, though, I love the world. I feel rich in love and happiness, even though I’m not rich in money or health. I don’t have a lot of family, but I love the ones I do have.
I suppose it’s a complicated world. Maybe that’s why I avoid it. I’d much rather just stay in my room, keep to myself and crochet things for those in need. That way, I know that I’m helping someone else, and even though it’s not much, it’s something I can do, and I’m grateful for that.
I hate it when I can’t sleep, because that is when my mind gets creative. That’s when I start to think of how many crocheted dish cloths I would have to sell in order to become a millionaire. I’m not kidding.
We live in a society where we have so much that we can do. We have TV, Internet, video games, shopping…etc, etc. Yet, we sit around bored all day because none of it interests us anymore. None of it is new anymore.
I remember being a kid, and everything was a new and fascinating experience. I often wonder where that involvement went between the world and our minds. We don’t stop to look at flowers because we assume we already know exactly what they look like, but could we honestly just grab a pencil and piece of paper and render a perfect primrose flower on that paper with zero mistakes. Odds are, we can’t. This is because the world as we perceive it is not the world that actually is. It’s not nearly as boring and old as we think. In fact, it’s not boring and old at all. Yet, we see it that way. This is where I think we need to start putting our iPads and iPhones down and observe the world around us. Technology is a tool, not something to rely on completely.
So, perhaps as I can’t sleep and don’t feel good while I’m sick, I can take a pencil and a blank sheet of paper….who knows what will happen when we look around us and draw one random thing as realistically as possible? In my personal opinion, we will find that it isn’t that boring at all. In fact, it’s as beautiful as the starry night above us or flowers in a field of green grass.
We just have to choose to see it.
Chaos is cold, and calculating. Abandoning its victims within chains of sorrow and ruin. A lot of us try to fight this, but it doesn’t need to be fought. What would we be without chaos? How would we know the good without the bad? How could we know the happiness without sorrow and disorder? Though it’s not that simple. Rarely is anything ever that simple.
What do I need to do to maintain order? What do we need to do to understand one another? It is so simple, yet so overdrawn with lines and solutions to problems that don’t exist when we try to get along with each other. It should be simple. We are all human beings. We all feel the same things, experience things in a similar way, and we can help each other understand why we fight. But first, in order to accept each other…
…we need to accept ourselves.
Sometimes life isn’t as simple as just living it. Sometimes you have to do more than just that. Sometimes you have to wade through the water of your deepest fears, make your way through the storms of your greatest pain in order to end up where you want. Sometimes it’s not as simple as just being here, on this earth, and wanting what you want, and getting what you get. Sometimes you just need to handle things as they are.
That’s something I’ve discovered recently. I need to handle things as they are. I need to understand things as they are before I can have any hope of changing them; before I can ever make it to what I want to be, and who I want to be. It’s something that I think about a lot.
I call this life a Freakshow, because quite personally, that’s how I view it. It’s a Freakshow filled with monsters and circuses; things that go bump in the night. But I’m starting to sort through those things. But even if I sort through everything, put them all in their individual labels, and find a way to make them stay, it still won’t be anything other than a Freakshow. But do you know what the wonderful thing about a Freakshow is? You can be whatever you want. You can dress, act, and proceed like anything you want. You can be something in a fantasy, a fairy in a field full of flowers. Or, you could be something more sinister.
I find my Freakshow to consist of fears, doubts, and worries. But I’m sure everybody’s does. Of course, although we are all different, we also very similar. And though it may seem weird, but being similar is what sets us apart. It’s what helps us be the individuals that we are. We don’t notice things that are all the same. We do notice things with slight differences.
So, what does all of this mean? Well…I suppose I’m still figuring that out myself.