One Size Fits All

To assume that one size fits all is one of the most foolish things an individual can do. I have seen this apply to all aspects of life, from medicine, to kids playing on a swing set, to college. We have this innate belief that we all work the same way, although we don’t. The fact that we think this way – I believe – is that we are not ignorant so much as simply avoiding the truth and looking the other way.

I have struggled with this all my life. In everything I ever did, as much as I was struggling, I never got help. I went to therapists for many reasons. They made fun of me. Elementary school teachers bullied me. Friends have crossed me off their lists. All because I am different.

I don’t intend to make a sad post, or a post that yells look at me! I am a victim! In fact, it’s quite the opposite. It’s been a while since I posted something, and I had this thought today, so I thought I would write about it.

It can be a cruel world in which we try to fit each other into something that is only unique to us. But if we start to look around, we can begin to understand how different we all are – every single one of us.

If we do that…maybe the world could be a better place.

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Stress is something that is very dangerous, yet we all have it. It is something ingrained so deeply into our humanity that it is part of our very being.

I’ve been feeling immense stress lately, and considering that I have a lot of medical issues, that’s not good.

I try to reduce the stress, but only make it greater. Perhaps stress is one of those things that you need to somewhat ignore in order for it to get better. Not ignore or deny it’s existence, but to ignore the worries that come with it, calming you down and helping you realize that everything your stress is telling you is just not real. Not only is not real, but it oftentimes doesn’t even exist. I find this to be the case many times in my life.

Someone I love, greatly expect, and admire told me something today: there is no such thing as running out of miracles.

I’ve seen that miracles come in abundance, regardless of how many we have had in the past. This is definitely something to keep in mind…

…especially when it feels like the whole world is against us.

Writing

Originally, I never wanted to be a writer. I detested reading, and I wasn’t the least bit interested in learning enough in English class to learn how to write a proper paragraph.

To be honest, I never chose to start writing, I was more forced into it than anything. I had an acquaintance when I was twelve, one I considered my best friend at the time.

Having dealt with much bullying in my life, it wasn’t unusual for others to laugh at me, make fun of me, or make me do something I didn’t want to do. That would be everything that this individual did. She pushed me into reading, even though I hated it. She Manase me write stories, even though I had no interest in the activity.

I thought all of this was normal.

As the years went by and the abuse from this person continued, I set my sights on being an author. A published author. I spent twelve years writing and re-writing a book that I was never satisfied with. Then, one day, this person disappeared. It only came to my attention years later that my mom intervened and forbid her to speak to me or come anywhere near our house.

Thank goodness for wonderful, intuitive mothers.

Years after that, I continued to write, but it was only within the last two months that I discovered the true reason I was writing: to prove that I had worth. To show I was worth something. Then, the second realization came to me. It wasn’t that individual that I was trying to prove this to, I was trying to prove it to myself.

It’s interesting how our minds wrap us in lies and false desires to protect ourselves from the nature of abuse and being bullied.

Now, I love writing. It is a passion of mine. So, I often ask myself: if I had never ran into that person and suffered so many years, would I have never found an actual passion for writing?

I don’t know. All I know is that the past is in the past and that success is the best revenge.

And that’s good enough for me.

Things That Make Me Smile

Things that make me smile during an awful day:

Apple cinnamon scented candles. Chocolate putting. Peach herbal tea (with lots of sugar!). Music video games. Thinking of a good future. Showing love to someone else. Reminding myself that I’m a good person. Mini things. Books. Writing. Daydreaming. Listening to my kitten purring. Flipping through magazines. Michael Jackson music. Pretty colors. Doing my makeup. Looking on online independent shops (not big retailers like Amazon or Walmart). Cooking. Baking. The scent of autumn. Thinking of holding a newborn baby. A baby’s giggle. Chocolates just for me. Singing my favorite songs loud and proud, terribly out of key.

What are some things that make you feel better on a bad day?

Thank You

Sleep is a necessity. It can be really frustrating when you can’t sleep.

In the same manner as my last post, this is more a candid stream of consciousness than a planned topic.

Sleep has seemed to elude me for a couple of days, but I am so grateful for the responses I’ve been getting to this blog. I’m thrilled that you all read my posts, and even take the time to comment and give them a like! So I want to issue a big thank you to all who have read my posts, liked, followed, etc.

You are so special to me! I hope you all get your own success as well. I definitely wish you the best in your ventures as you have helped me in mine.

Again, thank you.

Write On

I’m in love with writing, but sometimes I don’t know what to say. Before I make a post on here, I always say to myself, write your truth. This holds so much meaning to me because, growing up Mute, I never really told the truth. I pretended everything was fine when it wasn’t, and I swore I would never state my feelings. Though that’s a story for another day.

I’m in love with writing, and even though I don’t know what to write, I will write on.

That’s all we can do, isn’t it?

Writing

I write to satiate these feelings inside of me; the desire to soar up into the sky and never come down. The desire to fly into the clouds and enjoy their ever-lasting presence.

It can be very hard day-to-day, and sometimes I wonder how I’ll go on. I struggle with writing in the first place because I struggle with staying focused. But somehow writing has begun to be my solace. The place where I can come to rest, to relax, and to be truly me. I’ve never felt this world would ever truly accept me for who I am.

I have struggled all my life with being different. Perhaps that’s okay. Maybe it’s fine to be different than everyone else, and maybe it’s okay to use writing to fill up that empty feeling in my chest. But something happened that I never expected: not only does the empty feeling become filled upon writing, but it disappears completely.

When I was younger I never thought that anything could ever help me. The depression I felt, the anxiety I felt with simply walking outside because I was afraid of being criticized for everything and anything I was. I wondered if there was ever a way out, and later, I found there was. Through my words I can find a way out.

To be honest, I’m not sure why I’m writing this. But this has satiated that need within me; filled that empty space. And if someone ends up liking this and relating to it, then good. That’s something I’ll be very happy about. But I’ve come to realize that nobody has to relate to or like my writing for me to be happy with it. Writing is language that comes from your soul, and if that’s not one of the most sacred things in the world…I don’t know what is.

Paid All My Dues

Sometimes it seems that life goes on without meaning to. It goes on, relentlessly and ruthlessly. That’s what I’ve learned, at least.

At night, I dream of a little house in the sky. Somewhere I can go to call home. It has wooden floors and herbs in planters. It has sunshine all the time and fresh air and the smell of lavender and ladders to climb up to a little bunk with books, blankets, and pillows so that I can read as I fall asleep with the sun shining on my face.

I’m always in a beautiful dress, imagining myself as a fairy. Something that – to me – means innocence. It’s an innocence that I would do anything to get back. And every time I have this dream, there’s chaos that I’m escaping from in the dream. The chaos always comes from a reflection of my real life. I escape to my Sky House, and everything will be okay.

What I wonder is if one day, I could realistically build such a house? Could I realistically build such a little sanctuary? Because even as I sit in my room, something that used to be my sanctuary, I cannot find the peace I once had. Now, all I feel is the pain as yelling and screaming permeates the entire house and I seek to find a home as I realize that the word ‘home’ has seeped out of where I now live.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I do love where I live. I do love family. But toxicity is toxicity, and it can be terrifying. Of course, if I ever make it that far – as to find my own home – I will always keep the relationships intact. However, even as I cut and bleed, cry and bitterly fall asleep at midnight – or sometimes not at all – there’s this inkling that there’s something right around the corner. Something better that’s coming my way. There’s always this thing in my heart that whispers: You’ve paid your dues. 

I will make it through anything, for I am as strong as diamond. However, right now, I don’t shine as bright. I remember someone once telling me that diamonds needed to be cut down – their rough edges taken off before they shined and glimmered like they do on TV.

Now, I realize that I am that diamond, and I’m simply having those rough edges taken off. And someday I hope to be fitted into the most beautiful ring in the world, to find the happiness I’ve always sought, and the peace that I once knew.

All I Can Rely On

It seems that I’ll never truly understand this world, and perhaps that’s the way it’s meant to be. I never knew that it would be so hard, but I’d rather have a challenge than know that I’ve accomplished little to nothing.

It was never something that I regretted, however. Fighting for the things that I desired and the things that I knew I needed. And perhaps those things would fill the empty holes in my heart. Perhaps they would heal the wounds in my soul, and extract the poison that ravages my being.

But maybe not.

It’s all yet to be seen, how this all turns out. It’s something so simple yet so complicated. Nothing I ever would have expected. The ghosts watching me with a judgmental stare and the demons leaking out of the woodworks. I’ve seen from the people that I used to look up to that I should never crumble; I should never allow myself to flatten like they did. I will never allow myself to be destroyed in that way.

At some point I wish that I could have done it all different. I look back at the memories before, and wish that I could walk backwards within time to relive them again. But when I remember the struggles I faced during those moments, I find myself wanting to stay in the present. I find myself wishing for the future, and that’s something I’ve grown accustomed to. Something that I’ve found solace in, because as these things that I used to love and used to need no longer bring comfort to me. I struggle with that fake smile on my face everyday, but it’s exactly what I said in the beginning.

I’d rather fight for what I desire and fill the holes that are in my heart than allow myself to crumble like the people that I used to put so much trust in. Perhaps I’ve learned that sometimes, all you can rely on is yourself.

Uninhibited

Uninhibited, I am someone who speaks what I want and need. In these dark hills, I walk away from greed.

Unaffected, I am the one who keeps trying, because I’m not fond of life dying.

Unreal, I reach towards the stars, knowing that my fingertips reach far.

And understanding, to know that I know exactly where I’m landing.

In this world of terror and worry, I won’t allow it to steal my flurry of love and truth, honestly something I hold so dearly to my heart.

I want to be who I am, and I will be. Because the only person I can be is me.